ranting into space

What was left of the string is now unraveling, unwinding, getting tangled in itself.

Sometimes I don't know what to do. My eyes tend to remain dry, but that doesn't mean my soul inside is not tormented with every step, every breath. Well, that's not entirely true; I am a happy person the majority of the time. I smile I lot. I laugh a lot more. I love life.

But sometimes it feels like nothing else could go wrong.

Then I try to remember where I'll be in eight months from now. That's pretty consoling.

Unfortunately I can't keep telling myself that. When I was in middle school, I told myself high school would be much better. When I got to high school, I found that the differences were small and few; the size of the school was larger and the immaturity even more prominent. Now, a senior in high school, I tell myself that college will be better. Will it? Sometimes I'm not so sure. What about after college? Will I be able to travel? Will I get married? Will I have a family? Will I be published?

Most girls my age have dated at this point in their lives. Why is it that I haven't? Why can't I even find a guy friend who wants to go to a school dance with me? And prom? I want to go, but I want to go with someone. It can be a friend. Many of these questions are rhetorical, I know the advice that can be given. But it just doesn't comfort me.

Then there's water polo. Individual achievement is amazing, incredible, and fantastic, but when you play a team sport it's hard to feel accomplished when your so-called "team" does not even know the most basic fundamentals of the sport. Including the fact that it is a TEAM SPORT. Shooting the ball whenever you like is not how we can win games. Oh, and just because you are going to a college to play water polo (a lower-end college, athletics- and academics-wise, by the way) does not mean you are necessarily a good water polo player. Let the local newspapers gloat over you for now. Years from now, when I'm playing internationally with a world-class university degree, you will look back and regret ever being a bitch to me. You can guarantee that I won't remember you.

Black and Orange are much better colors anyways.